Holding on to the moments

IMG_0512In 2 days Pascal will be 6 months old (but really 4 if you don’t count his early arrival :) ) We still struggle with sleep “training”, trying to get him on some schedule and reading his cues. We struggle with eating and fussiness. I’m giving up different foods to find food allergies, reinttroducing some foods, testing out his symptoms. He has trouble with gassiness and pain from that, and acid reflux, and lots of other things not uncommon to babies in general and premature babies. I’m battling sleep deprivation all the time, mainly keeping my cool, somedays losing it :) We are watching his motor and other skills develop rapidly before our eyes, picking up things, putting them in his mouth, passing between hands etc. He is drooling like a crazy person and teething, and sometimes upset about it and sometimes just happily slobbery. He loves to look at patterns and freaks out at amazing contrast “whoa the wall is different color thant he ceiling and where they meet up is CRAZY looking…i’m going to stare for 10 minutes”. He loves looking at our faces and is responding to more playful behavior and funny faces and tickles.
Today while watching the sermon on livestream from Harvest Bible Chapel Spring Lake (shout out!) I just held him toward the end because he was fussy and I knew he needed to sleep soon. I just held him still as he stared, and smelled his hair and rubbed my chin on his fuzzy head. He turns and rubs his head into my shoulder and bosom as he often does when he is tired and wants to just turn off the world. I slide him down to his stide and give him his paci. He slowly closes his eyes and wraps his arms around me. He drifts in and out of light sleep for a few moments, popping up wide eyed, red rings showing sleepyness and a glazed look as if it say “yep she is still here, i’m safe”. He rubs his head in deeper into the fold of my elbow, plays with my shirt with his fingers. This is how he soothes himself when he is on me. I am overcome with the feeling of immense connection and love as the music ends and the livestream shuts off. This is what motherhood is really about. It’s about being there for them, helping them learn how to trust, how to sleep. It’s about bearing the hard days and clinging to these small moments to get throught them. I made sure he wasn’t looking and let tears run down my face (he doesn’t like it when I cry). This is my little boy who came into the world so early and small…neither one of us was ready, and now we need each other more than words could describle. His love for me is in his little fingers gripping my shirt, it’s in his nuzzle, and in the limp body that drifts into the land of nod because he is absolutely sure this is the safest place in the world for him. I am cherishing this moment so deeply I cannot even describe to you what it means. I know someday his show of love will be much harder to read. When he can communicate audibly and he gets farther and father from needing me like he does now, i’ll have to run on much less reassurance from him and know that what i’m doing is best for him even if he doesn’t show it. But right now, in this moment, he is my little man and I am his entire world. I am thankful, I am present. I don’t want to lay him in his crib, but I do because I know it’s how he will sleep best, it’s what is good for him right now. I walk away to the sound of silence and with a heart full. The Lord has given me such a gift. I understand why older mothers/grandmothers look at your baby with longing and say things like “enjoy it while you can, you’ll miss this”. Some moments I laugh at them because it’s HARD, but these moments are what they mean. When Pascal is a teenager and he ruins his car or lets a sandwhich mold in his room and refuses to talk to me, or whatever i’ll face down the road, I know I’ll wonder where the days of little fingers on my belly went. I know I may miss this, which is why it is my aim to cherish all these things in my heart. Bity baby P, you fill my cup, and you always will. May you know the love of your heavely Father as I do, and may you also never forget how precious you are in His sight and in mine.

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