I Really Thought I’d Lost Him

IMG_3197this was me all summer

sorry if it seems graphic to you, just telling the story how it was:

A week after the accident I woke from a dead sleep in the wee hours of the morning knowing something was wrong. I stood up, running to the bathroom feeling all too much like I did a month prior. My fears were confirmed, blood, and lots of it. My first thought was the car accident, but I quickly put it behind me because it was a whole week ago, surely that couldn’t have done this? I was initially more calm than the first time, but as time went on I became much more nervous. I felt worse. This felt ominous. “But i’m 12 weeks pregnant, isn’t this supposed to be when everything is fine!? I thought I made it, how horrible will it be to tell all the people we have started to let in on our secret..” The tears started. Michael tried to calm me down and we called the doctor. My OBGYN happened to be on call, but because her office wasn’t open for hours still she sent us to the ER. My mind kept messing with me “You’ve come this far, made progress mentally accepting this, even getting excited, now it’s all going to be gone” I was crying in the first room they brought me to waiting to pee in a cup. I went in and there was more blood, it was everywhere, my tears were everywhere, I began to heave with grief as I was sure my child was no longer alive inside of me, how could it be with all this blood. I felt sorry for the tech who drew my blood. I was balling as I lifted my arm for him to insert the needle, I had given up hope in that moment and I was beginning to feel very empty. It took them so long to bring me to the ultrasound room. Michael and I waited and waited for my third hospital visit of the year thus far, watching the clock tick by. The doctor came in a couple times, babbling on about hematoma’s and missed miscarriages, and telling me all about options and really it’s a blur because I was terrified. During the ultrasound the tech looks at me, takes pity on me and says “I’m not supposed to say anything and only send this to the doctor, but everything really looks ok, you just have a blood clot”. Relief sweeps over the room instantly. Thankyou ultrasound tech for breaking the rules for this ladies breaking heart! Good thing he told us because it took the doctor 2-3 hours to come into our room to tell us the same news. Nothing against the ER, they are busy peeps, just a long time to have to wait for big news. Michael and I were able to joke and talk and “enjoy” or persevere easily through the long wait after hearing the news. Really though we had a lot of questions that never ended up getting answered, because there were no solid ones available. Was all the blood from the clot? Why does this happen? Was it from the accident? Will this effect the baby? Will this happen again? Is the clot getting smaller yet? The best we got was, “missed miscarriage, just watch it, there is no way to tell, baby is fine”. It was very odd to experience pregnancy bleeding twice, having it called a “missed miscarriage”. What does that EVEN MEAN people. Like, my body tried to revolt but it missed? Why call it that? Why put that word in front of a worried pregnant woman who will inevitably be googling that word and everything about pregnancy bleeding and blood clots every day trying to wrap her head around how worried or excited she should let her self be. I would be lying if I said this didn’t put a damper on my trying to be joyful about my pregnancy…it really left me kind of paranoid, and I had a hard time letting myself get excited because I was so unsure whether it would continue. Finally after 20 weeks and the major ultrasound I let my guard down a little, but in the mean time I was very careful. Truth was, there was no real reason for any of it, or anything I could do about it, and according to the doctors the accident probably had nothing to do with it (the timing was so close it was hard for people to disassociate the two). And so I entered into a period of waiting like most preggos, just with a very heightened sense of my lack of control, an awareness that God had the reigns and I needed to trust Him with myself and my unborn child, and that this lesson was going to have to be re-learned and reinforced in my mind forever. I’m just the carrier of the fetus. I’m the earthly mother of this child. God is holding him in the palm of his hand, and has given me the privileged to point him to Christ’s Saving Grace, and to guide him in living, and to love on him the best I can. At the end of the day, I’ll have to let it go, because no amount of obsessing and worrying will add a day to my life or my son’s. Matthew 6:27-29 “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.” A lesson I was learning in preparation for the the biggest obstacle yet to come.



The annuals were flourishing, I got to do some floral arranging from the garden’s bounty, and the Dark Towers Penstemon was still standing tall.  Natures gifts help heal even multiple spring traumas :)

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